Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
