we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
