11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
