benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize