I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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