My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
