There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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