I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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