If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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