We're facebook friends in real life
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You made out with two different species that night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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