She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
