thus making me awesome and them whores
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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