I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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