It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
