True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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