He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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