I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
