I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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