This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm having to shit out rocks
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
