I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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