Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
