His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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