the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
