So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
