I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
