They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
