i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm always down for nudity.
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