My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I intend to get homeless drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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