Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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