I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
