I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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