Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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