I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
