I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize