I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
