just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Mom said you looked used
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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