if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
