I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
