Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize