I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
