i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
