The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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