she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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