I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
