Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
