ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
