there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Randomize
