I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You made out with two different species that night
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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