After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
