my phone needs a breathalizer
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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