Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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