Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
