They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, beer. Big fan.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
