Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize