haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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