sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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