My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
