apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I need moral support for this bender
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize