i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
