What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
