I bet he comes in French.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You smell like stripper and shame
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
